A Contradiction, cont'd...

I'm going to tell you about my past. Around 6 years ago I decided to lose weight. I proceeded to lose 99 pounds over a 2 year period and I kept it off for an additional year. I did it by changing my entire life and my way of thinking about food.
I found out after the third year that I had made 2 major mistakes from the start.
ONE~ I never took the time to acknowledge why I was eating the way I was. As a result, when a challenge came my way that I couldn't handle I started putting the weight back on. One day in my boyfriends apartment I realized I couldn't wear a pair of my favorite jeans. I remember how I felt, I gave up. I thought, well that's it, I've started gaining it back.
The challenge didn't go away, it loomed over me for months and months, and the weight piled back on. I gained it all back. In just 7 or 8 months I put on 140 pounds. I've been devastated for the past 4 years. I weigh more than I ever have and I'm so unhappy.
TWO~Even after losing 99 pounds I still looked in the mirror and hated what I saw.
I don't want to live another year like this. The difference this time is that I am also working self-acceptance and self-compassion into the mix.
So that's me trying to gain self-acceptance while losing weight. I don't see it as a contradiction but as me using every tool I can to be happy.

A Contradiction

So how do you claim to be working on self-acceptance and trying to lose weight at the same time?
More to come...

Feeling Sorta Good About Myself Today

1. I walked into the 7-11 and got a drink without letting my feelings of being judged make me feel totally anxious.

2. I intercepted the self-critical voice that started in on my choice of necklaces to wear today, "what will they think at work if I wear these together?"  I quickly threw the two, very cute necklaces over my head and hustled out of the bathroom.

3. I found the guts to wave down the landscape crew and ask them not to park their trailers in our parking lot over night.


Baby steps.

Fear of Failure & Self-Compassion

Fear of failure is a problem for me. When I first thought to write this blog I was afraid that I would fail and be embarrassed. I'm pretty hard on myself about everything. I have negative self-talk down to an art.  So to test the waters I decided to start small by doing some research for the blog.
While researching "self-esteem" I came across some websites by women that wanted to share their enthusiasm for fashion no matter what size they were. Over a few weeks, as I browsed their blogs, websites and tumbler pages I started to gain some confidence. So I went for it and here I am.

One of the topics I want to explore is my fear of failure, I came across a great article about a concept called "self-compassion" on the website for Psychology Today. Here's a link, Psychology Today.  I especially like the paragraph that starts off, "Self-compassion helps people to view failure as a challenge. The way to overcome failure is to..."

I also found a great website chocked full of information on the subject of Self-Compassion.  A great statement from that site starts, "Instead of just ignoring your pain with a 'stiff upper lip' mentality, you stop to tell yourself 'this is really difficult right now,' how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment? Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings..."

I like this idea, but I can see how it could possibly lead to complacency.  For me though, it would be a welcome change to what I've been saying to myself.  I think the topic deserves more research.  It could become a welcome addition to my arsenal. 

Distraction: Painting

Painting is a good distraction on the weekend. I tend to snack more on the weekend than any other time. I'd guess lots of folks do the same.
I count on distractions everyday to help me see past the seemingly constant thoughts about food.
I wonder what others do to distract themselves, what do you do?

Here's a completed piece for my brother's Christmas gift.

What Self-Acceptance Means to Me

The term "self-acceptance" has always scared me. It's represented giving up. I have never accepted myself "as is" and I've been fighting ME as long as I can remember. I've kept in my mind that if I could just lose weight I'd be happy then I could accept myself once and for all.
Today I'm beginning to understand that I've been wrong all this time. Self-acceptance isn't about giving up, it's about loving myself despite all of the things I don't like about myself. It's about gaining self-esteem and happiness.
I want to get past berating myself everyday and begin loving and accepting myself. Honestly, understanding what I've just written is easy as pie, but actually doing it is going to be difficult. Erasing 33 years of negative self-talk is going to take time. Looking in the mirror and accepting what I see is going to take even longer.
There's no better time than the present right, I'm ready.

Welcome to the Journey!

I'm starting this blog because I recently decided to stop hating myself and I want to chronicle my journey to self-acceptance.  I don't know exactly where this journey will take me, but you're welcome to come along.  

Being a fat woman keeps me from doing things that I want to do.  I can't fit in chairs that have arms or booths at restaurants, I can't fit into roller coaster seats, I have to go to special stores to buy clothes which in of itself is humiliating.   I'm at risk for diabetes because it runs in my family, I don't go to the OBGYN because I'm so embarassed, and last but certainly not least, I can't tie my own shoes without getting out of breath. 

I want to acknowledge that this isn't a "fat pride" website.  What I want to do is explore different topics on weight lose and life itself as an overweight person trying to gain control.  I want to LIVE!  I want to ride a bike, I want to jog, I want to eat in public without feeling ashamed and I want to share in special time with my BF, in a more active roll.  Get my drift? (nudge, wink wink).  I'll call him DR as I write this blog.

So, welcome to Self Acceptance is a Journey.